Cycling past spooky ghosts, spiderwebs and pumpkins, my mind takes a dive into the past. The decorations in the rainy gloomy gardens look out of context to me, but simultaneously that doesn’t bother the time machine in my head.

I am transported back to the brightly lit sunny sky of Curl Curl (Sydney, Australia) where I am decorating the exotic front garden with Halloween items. It feels too hot outside but I want this artwork to be finished before the kids arrive back from school. Feeling the scorching sun on my head and hearing the palm leaves rustle high above, I paste orange spider webs onto the bushes in front of me. I am thinking about the fake plastic spiders that can cause confusion. Only yesterday a lady had to be rushed to hospital thinking she grabbed a plastic spider but instead holding a deadly Sydney funnel web spider.

A cold wind gust brings me back to the now. The cold grey drizzly autumn weather of the Netherlands… What do I do? Should I go a bit further in my memory or do I better suppress it, come back and focus on the positive things that are happening in my life right now?

My first reaction is to stay in the present and ignore the sad feeling. But would it actually be better for me to relive this memory and let the tears flow?

Googling for help, I learn I am actually grieving. Grieving can be about any life event. It doesn’t even have to be a super big one. Also a small event can cause grieving, but the proces just takes less time.

It helps me to know all these sad empty feelings I am experiencing these past days might be linked to the missing and grieving process rather than being an extra issue going on in my life.

The other good news is, according to Google, I do not need to hold on to any timeline or rules. You cannot do grieving wrong. Everyone follows his or her own path, own timeline and own stages.

For grieving, lots of sites refer to the process of five stages identified by Kübler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). If you like to read more you could check out the wikipage. Interesting is you can go through these stages in any order you like. Also, you can hop in and out of all the stages at any time. You can go in and out in any order and any frequency… days, weeks, months, years…

The main conclusion for me: it is ok to still feel lost and missing my life in Australia. As long as the feelings are not getting worse, the internet generally seems to think you will work it out by yourself.

Writing this down, I feel more free and that makes me realise it probably works best for me to relive the memories for a bit, feel my feelings and then move on to the real life now.

So what feelings are there today? Longing to feel the bright hot sun and see the blue sky decorated by the palm leaves. Sadness in missing the smell of the ocean and hear the cracking of the waves on the shore. Wishing I could walk barefoot again, hear the Aussie accent and feel the freedom I experienced there. Missing this weird adventurous world that was my home for more than 5 years. I feel tears in the back of my throat. I loved the house. I loved the ages of the kids. I loved the adventure. I loved the challenges. I loved it all.

Real life is here in the Netherlands. This is where I am making a warm and settled home for the family. This is where I would like to develop and let grow the same strong happy freedom feelings I was lucky enough to experience in Australia for so many years.